A Love Letter to Last Year
I have to tell you that my initial instinct is to hurl profanities at you with the strength of a thousand sailors. No joke. I guess that means I am probably angry at you. Oh yeah, I just felt that bubbling in my stomach. I am angry at you for all of the hard stuff, all of the losses, all of the pain. I want to blame you. I want to ask you why you did it, why you made me suffer. And as those words work their way from my brain to the keyboard to the screen, the anger shifts and I realize it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. This is just life. It’s life happening. I am not a victim of any kind. Life just has its really hard times and it has its really great times and in between it is sprinkled with all levels of variation on those two polarities.
But seriously 2019, let’s be frank. It has been rough right?? There has been a lot of HARD stuff. I’m not wrong about that at all. But as I sit with my feelings of disappointment, anger, hurt, and I feel that yucky feeling in my stomach, I remind myself that these are MY feelings and that they are real and they matter. Gone are the days when I would’ve compared my pain to someone else’s as a strategy to minimize or belittle my own. I know now that minimizing my experiences and related feelings makes me unwell, in my heart, mind, body, and soul. And, I know damn well that others have it worse than me and I hold them with deep compassion and love in my heart but, that being said, why wouldn’t I do the same for myself? So, 2019, this has been one of my biggest lessons of the year. To allow myself to feel my experience deeply, hold it with love, honoring and self-compassion without judging, minimizing, or just plain skipping over it. So, thank you for that lesson. It makes me stronger and more powerful every day.
2019, there was some good stuff too though right? I have to tell you it’s hard to see it when it’s been as rough as it’s been but it’s there. There is always good stuff! When the seas are rough, finding the good stuff can feel like trying to find a pebble in the ocean. But this practice, of finding the good even in the roughest of seas, is what helps create a sense of balance in the world for me. I can stay afloat those rough seas a little easier, and I don’t drown. Even when I feel like I might. So, thanks for all of the good, yummy stuff too 2019.
Well, 2019, it’s our last day together and then we will have to say goodbye. I will spend today with you in deep reflection and acknowledgement for all we’ve been through together. And as I release you into the past where you belong, I thank you. I thank you for the clarity that you have given me, my eyes have never been more open or seen more clearly. I thank you for teaching me about strength, about the power of love and its role in healing, I thank you for wisdom gained, power built, and most importantly, for opening my heart wide open. And as I move into 2020, I want you to know you won’t be forgotten. You will be forever dear in my heart.